Faith, Femininity, and the Fight

 

As someone who grew up in a very conservative Christian home, Christianity has always been the way of life. Whether we enjoyed it or not was not up for debate.

When I got serious with God, it wasn't from the place of love or anything; it was from the place of guilt. The guilt of "he died for you do not have the decency to give him your life and live right? In just a snap of his fingers, you'll be gone and be thrown into an everlasting furnace." Or the "you're not even serious with your life, you should be burning for Christ."

This is why sometimes when unbelievers say "nobody asked Jesus to die for us" or something of that sort, I believe they're trying to avoid being guilt-tripped into giving their whole life to someone who they truly don't know.

  

For years, I didn't grow. The concept of growth was not even a thing. "I was glad when they said unto me, let us go into the house of the Lord" was not something I could relate to.

There was no solid devotion or intimacy and consequently, there was no growth. 

Oh, God still answered my prayers pretty well; he was always showing up, but our relationship was very formal and very transactional if you know what I mean. 

I all of a sudden wanted more, not a closer relationship, but more of the dramatic, to be set ablaze. Those times were even darker because it was a situation of "you have to do it now or now, then nothing will happen," and I'd get so frustrated. Then I got tired of it all. (Side note, I'm maybe glad that nothing happened those times. Jesus deserved more than that. I'm sure he already has enough people who are on fire but have no intimacy with him.)  

The next turning point was the devotional way, which is very vital, because unlike God opening you up to possibilities suddenly, devotion gives you a solid foundation. I had struggles with devotion, not because I didn't want to get closer to God, but because my brain has been somehow conditioned to see it as a chore, and when I don't feel up to it, I start to feel guilty. 

"Soon," I realized that the problem was that I didn't love God enough and he wanted my heart, all of it. When you love someone, you want to spend time with them; when you love someone, you want to tell them everything; when you love someone, you let go of things for them, and when you love someone, you place them over anything else. That is devotion.

Let me cast your minds back to my birthday blog where I talked about John 21:22  ministering to me on the eve of my birthday. Well, in the verses preceding that particular verse, Jesus had asked Peter three times if he loved him and it took me a while to realise that he was asking me that same question. (Soon is not soon yeah?)

So herein lay my problem, I had tried a lot of things but never the one he truly wanted. Love may be a vague concept to me, but I've seen people who truly loved God, not for the signs, not for the wonders, but just because it is him, and, those are truly the ones I admire because they live the life of Christ truthfully and truly.  

I, however, have a goal, which is not just ministry accomplishments without intimacy. The goal is that Jesus finds his full expression in me, and for that to happen, I have to fall deeply in love with him.  

 

Now, I'm learning to love Jesus, steadily. Not because if I don't, I'd be damned, not because I want things from him, not because I was brought up to compulsorily have him around, but solely because I've seen his love for me, and I want to be able to replicate it to him. I want to see him smile at me and say, “You're doing very well." 

If devotion has been a chore to you, or intimacy has been unreachable, maybe you need to stop looking at everyone else and focus on your journey. Maybe you need to slow down and take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Most importantly maybe you need to fall in love with the person of Jesus❤️